Monday, January 28, 2008

Twisted thots

There are some people in my life taht i loved once, some of them I still do, but I find boring now. They have just stopped and run out of the ideas to keep me entertained.

I am not saying that they became boring in absolute terms - just for me. And it might be that it's I who's stopped and they have moved on. Whatever. But we are no longer on the same road.

I have not figured big in anyone's life so far: and likewise.

I respect the elders who were kind to me - my mom esp. - and I don't need to be entertained from them.

But that's it.

There are two things that are pulling me here - I want to be a decent person; but I want to be an honest person too.

I don't want to hang on to phone conversation that is boring me; but I don't want to hang up and be rude.

Decency and honesty.

There is the other thing too of course.

Why I can't be more normal?
Why this constant appetite for ideas? When I many a times ignore the details.
Why do tales repeated ad infinitum give me the feeling of stagnation.

I love people - I really do - but this boredom, this craving for something new new new - makes me a restless insensitive person.

I hear this crescendo in my favorite song, I read this line of my favorite book and I see this scene - and I want to just soar, soar and soar till I have feasted my eyes on the entire beauty and truth of the bluewaterypinprick of a planet.

How can I soar if I do not walk first?
What paradox this bursting heart poses in front of my insensitivity to others?

And I really can't figure out if I suffer from a bloated superiority complex? Or a heart-wrenching inferiority complex?
Are the wings I seek the wings I think I deserve - or wish I deserved?

I hope the phone does not ring...
I hope somebody does not want to know how I spent my day...
I hope somebody does not tell me how they spent theirs...

I want the phone to ring...
I want somebody to tell me the story they just thought of...
I want somebody to invite me to an adventure camp...

But I want to be the person who can tell and listen tales that carry no climax, no twist, no hint of anarchy.


Nothing Spectacular said...

you already are that person, dude :-)

how about meeting up this weekend?

Monolith... said...

Many of us have a constant appetite for ideas. It's just that we are running out of them. And the successive failures of ideas that we do have, is taking its toll. We....or more precisely I (for I cannot speak for others)need people like you around to renew our energy and our faith.

I dont have your number.
Where are you now?? Still in Delhi?

Bland Spice said...

hey big guy!

my no. is 9971993867 - yup, still festering here in delhi...

subbu said...

deliciously egomaniacal... paraphrasing Shaw, you dont wanna be in any club that is ready to admit you...maybe the brilliant conversations, the ideas that you crave are the property of people who dont want to talk to you...who consider YOU too boring...ever thot of that?

Bland Spice said...

There's a delicious sense of irony in being called egomaniacal from you :)

If you would have read carefully - I have already captured your point in "I am not saying that they became boring in absolute terms - just for me. And it might be that it's I who's stopped and they have moved on. Whatever. But we are no longer on the same road."

Egomaniacal has a nice summary sound to it but it’s dangerous: Egomania means the presumption that everything revolves around you in the world. I am talking just about my inner pulls and what I am choosing for myself. Hitler was egomaniacal – not Stephan Dedalus. I seriously recommend three readings of “Portrait of an Artist” by Joyce to anyone who hasn’t read it.

There is no one who is not “boring” to someone. Somebody knows football, somebody knows American politics – each is interesting in their domain, boring in the other. I really don't care about who finds me boring - and I am being totally honest about it. It's what I want that drives me. I am not being rejected by people I find interesting and respect, and I am happy with that.
My own behavior is perhaps shaping into: I want to be honest but not brutally judgmental – (which I am by nature - judgmental).

You've paraphrased the very counter-attack I have gotten from a sister.
First, of all, my statement is not an attack on people – but about my own confusion.
Second, in the light of the first statement, I have asked the person – what made them think it was an attack on them? When we read but do not read – listen and not listen, we voice our own fears and insecurities many times.

And btw, it was not Shaw who said that; it was Groucho Marx.

subbu said...

point taken, dude...only, Daedalus also spoke about 'questioning your premise' when man reaches a dead end, or is looking at absolutes...
thats what i am afraid firm conviction that these are the things you like, these are the things that you believe interest you...
what someone 'wants', or 'likes', is amorphous at best, when talking of ideas...i once had a fascinating conversation with this drunk, suburban, co-ed at a bar, about the relative merits of a tattoo vs. a piercing. It sounds like a really 'boring' subject to you and me, but you would not believe the sharp wit and repartees that flew back and forth. My point is, what makes a subject interesting is the ideas and perspectives that flow from the conversation, rather than the objective knowledge, facts or interests about the field. And by limiting yourself to the extraneous absolutes, you are losing the amorphous soul of conversation that even your most blase friend can offer...and thats where the real juice is...

Bland Spice said...

thought over it - and you have a point.

i have the fault of judging people too soon -

reminds me of the tolstoyina story morality -

Which is the most important time?

What is the most important work?
Whatever you're doing.

Who is the most important person?
The person you're with.

moimystique said...

constant craving for something new new new..sounds familiar :P