Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Smoke on the Metro

Riding the Metro from Karol Bagh to CP on Sunday, a thought struck my nose: We hear so much about passive smoking and its evils, while for millenniums the bigger evil remains unchallenged - passive farting.

While the problem pervades all public arenas - sometimes silently, sometimes with a whistle and sometimes with a ripping explosion, the topic I am specifically bringing up is "Flatulence Aboard Rail Tracks" - F.A.R.T

Smoking relieves stress, channelises nervous energy and, of course, is a great bond builder amongst men. So what's the hullabaloo about some dumb fu**s coughing their inner lining out over a few harmless drags - it's probably good for their health. Nicotine might be bad for health in large doses but surely our body might be needing some of it if it needs lead (I will let some miserable Health researcher to prove this very obvious theory).

Our cities lay wrapped in huge clouds of carbon-flavored smog, cacophonies of horns and swears, and plastered in dungs, spits and waste: and the government is up against the good Samaritans out there beside you nourishing your nicotine-starved lungs.

So it kills a few? So what? Surely the BlueLines, wars, pollution, road rage and every other misery claim more?

Starting our clean up act with eradicating smoking in public is like helping a man being pounded by 20 gorillas in heat and being bitten by a mosquito, by trying to squash the mosquito.

Now take farting.

What advantage does that give you: smelling the contents of what some mysterious co-passenger had guzzled down with the aid of some cheap liquor? I already have all the gases inside me without your releasing your own. All it does to me is that it challenges me to better my record time for holding breath and reminds me that if the food that we eat comes out smelling like that - God, and the alimentary canal, indeed move in very mysterious ways.

So, before smoking, we have to scourge the earth, or, at least, the Metro, from the deadly cocktails of a Jat Farmer's baajraa roti with the Punjabi's beer and butter chicken with the Khan chacha's bade ke kebab!

Here's my suggestion:

Fart can be seen in infrared. Install the infrared cameras within the metros at every ten meters and make them sensitive to changes in air pressure. So whenever the fat lady in salwaar kameez shifts the lining of her wedge quietly and stealthily by a deft hand behind an extended dupatta, the increase in pressure behind causes the cameras to swivel and catch her in the act. If the lady is driving the Metro, wait for it to stop at the next destination and drag the criminal out.

Now here's the punishment: get some 100 really fat guys who can't move a step without wheezing and holding their heart, and feed them nothing but beer, mooli ke paraathe and taco bell burritos. keep them in separate small cubicles and pay them to just sit there and keep eating. provide a bog inside these cubicles - with no flush. Use these specially-designed state-of-the-art cells to detain the criminals caught on camera overnight.

That will teach them farting etiquette.


Nishant Kashyap said...

Good idea Gullu...lets start an online petition drive and send this to Sheila Dixit...

Bland Spice said...


thenthis is what we'll hear on the radio

"main, sheila dixit, dilli mein rahne walon se anurodh karti hun ki apne pet ki pratikriyaa ko kripya metro mein na chhoden. yeh ek dandneey apradh hai. aur ek dardnaak haadse ki shuruaat"

Alam said...

Damn right Susu ... one's got to plug the dam before it leaks (I hope people don't shake hands with me after they have plugged one such damn)

The fact is fart is not only dangerous on Metro but also on aircrafts ... The US transport department (TSA) has recently banned lithium batteries on flight-
... they are just trying to take the limelight away from the real danger - Fart, Shit and Toilet paper
A concerned citizen highlighted the issue when he wrote this in response to the battery ban news -

Actually, there is a greater risk the TSA has yet to address! Mainly all that methane gas and flammable toilet paper! It's true! Poop not only stinks but can generate explosive gases. Toilet paper is extremely flammable as well. To prevent this sort of danger, we must all be forced to defecate in tiny zip lock baggies and use vinyl wipes to clean ourselves. This should be done at each passenger's seat, as methane clouds are more dangerous in enclosed environments such as lavatories. Airlines should use all existing lavatories as third class seating instead. Addressing the dangers of airline food should also be a priority! If there is no food to eat on flights, especially the long ones, then there is less need to defecate, which reduces methane cloud dangers as well. Not to mention that airline food itself is a hazard. Next, flatulence should be regulated properly, as it too is a dangerous form of explosive methane gas. Special stewards should be on board every flight with special ignition devices and proper training to aid in deadly flatulence (air biscuit, poopy air, SBD, etc) elimination. A special button on the console of each passenger's seat will summon the special steward. He or she will ignite the methane cloud as it emanates, reducing the risk of excessive methane cloud danger. Another idea to seriously consider would be to ban all living people from air travel. Flights without living passengers would greatly reduce the danger modern air travel poses.

Nothing Spectacular said...


but i'm intrigued by your passing (pun intended!!) phrase 'farting etiquette'. Can such an act have etiquette attached to it? If so, you could document it and write the next best-selling self-help book!!