Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Perssonally yawrrss

A friend had asked me to verify his address for a perosnal loan he has taken. Today morning, I got a call from an unidentified number as I drove to work.
Female caller:'Am I speaking with Gaurav...?'
Me:'Yea, Gaurav Joshi here.'
'Is this Gaurav Joshi?'
'Yes! This is Gaurav Joshi! What is this regarding?'
'Hello sir.'
'Hello. Please I’m driving... is this regarding personal credit thing?'
'No sir. This is regarding offer.'
'Ok. Yes. I know him.'
'Who sir?'
'Santosh kumar.'
'Do you want to speak with him?'
Conversation in the background:'Santosh... tere se baat karega.'
'One minute sir. He’s jussst coming.'
'Hello! Who?!? what is this...'

Somebody playing jal tarang... Please hold the line as your call is very important t us.... somebody playing jal tarang... ... Kripya thdi der prateeksha karein. Aapki call hammare liye bahut mahhatvapoorna hai.... somebody playing jal tarang... ... Please hold the line as your call is vry important t us....

A pause.

'Hello! Who is this!'

... Please hold the line as your call is very important t us.... .... somebody playing jal tarang...

Somewhere in the next millennium.
'Saaree phaur keeping you baiteeng ssir.'
' What is this regarding?'
'Do I know you ssir?'
'Why the... Who are you?'
'Ssantosh ssir. Ssantosh Kumar.'
I take a deep breath.
'Santosh, is this regarding a personal loan jo mere ek dost ne liya hai?'
'Aapke dost bhi lena chaahte hain ssir?'
Nahi. Koi nahi lena chahta. Aap kya mujhe personal loan bech rahein hain?
'No ssir.'
'To phir yeh kya hai?'
'Ssir, wee have an aafar phraum Maauntin Club!'
'Ok. Not interested.'
'Ssir, only vun paint phive lakhs.'
'Nahi, main interested nahi hun.'
'Aapko aur aapki missej ko ssri lanka, malaysseea ya thaaeland ka return phlight aur 8-9 din ka...'
'Bhai, meri koi wife nahi hai!.'
'To ssir, girlphreind to rakhte honge na?'
A feeling, a moment flashes. Me sitting on the buses to home during the college days dreading the moment when the magazine vendors will slither in and come forcing the cheapies in front of my protesting face.
'Bhai nahi lena, bola to!'
'Sir. Isme khul kar likha hai!'

I am too flabbergasted to respond.
'Ssir, aapko teen maheene tak kuchh nahi dena hoga.'
'Bhaiya! Main interested nahi hun!'
'Kyun ssir?'
'Bhai, nahi hun to nahi hun!'
'Theek hai ssir. Phir mere ko kaahe bulaya time kharaab karne ko!'

A couple of hours later.

A timid – ‘Am I talking to Gaurav..’
‘Ma’am. I talked to you in the morning. I am not interested!’
‘Sir, aapne mere se kahaan baat karee. Aap to Santosh se baat kar rahe the.’
‘Right. Aur maine use bol diya tha ki main interested nahi hun. In fact, he banged the phone on me.’
‘Sir uski taraf se sorry bolti hun.’
‘It’s all right. Thank you.’
‘Sir, ab to maafee bhi maang li, le leejiye na!’
‘Pleease sir.’
‘Gah.. Uhh.. I am sorry but..’
‘Sir leejiye. [Background noise] Hello?’
‘Ya hello?’
‘Ssaary ssir.’
‘Who’s that?’
‘Ssantosh, ssir. Ssaary sir.’
The pimp is back.
‘Bery bery ssaary... ssir.’
It’s a voice creepy enough to keep you grandmother locked in after the evening. I imagine, Ssantosh tasting those hissing esses slowly with a wet, rolling tongue over a bishop piece, or a knife, he is holding in his other hand.
‘That’s all right. Santosh, I am sorry for jo bhi hua par...’
‘...[call transferred] ab sab OK hai sir?’
‘Thanks. I am sorry...’
‘...Sir, ab No mat kahiyega!’
What the fuck! She’s coming on to me like a sister in a rakhi scene in a B-grade.
‘...Look I am busy right now...’
‘Sir, Santosh se phir se maafee kehlaa deti hun!’
‘Nahin, please! Aap muje thoda time dein. ‘
‘Aap ko baad mein call kar lun sir?’
‘Yes, Please do that.’
‘What time sir?’
‘Any time but baad mein...’
‘...Ok Thank you sir!’

Guys, I have to raise 1.5 lakhs omhow. And the next time you want to take a personal loan, don't involve me please.

No comments: