Monday, April 28, 2008

Mah religion

I have embraced a religion. It's called Guturguturism.
According to my religion, this is the list of activities that offend it -
1. The name of God in either the masculine or feminism gender. My God is a eunuch.
2. The portrayal of any god or goddess in the man-invented shackles of clothes. This means that I will be raiding all Hussain exhibitions that depict the goddesses in saris.
3. The evocation of any prayer without the acknowledgment that besides being all-powerful and all-knowing, God is also all-sexy.
4. I am against the killing of plants and can have them only by means of the flesh of other beasts. Hence, I expect all restaurants to abide by my tastes. That means, McD, which already doesn't serve cheeseburger and hamburger in India, would be picketed to drop the buns and the plant-grown seasoning too. Only the chicken patties would remain.
5. We believe that the most offensive part of a woman's body is her eyes. If we let women see the fuck we're making of everything, they will ultimately put two and two together, and upset the delicate unequal balance we have foisted on them. Hence, all women are expected to wear the antiburkha where their eyes would be covered by the black cloth and the rest of the body with guaze.
6. We regard all books by Harold Robbins to be the very words of our God; describing his narcotics-driven fantasies.
7. Our sons will have everything, but their foreskins, removed.
8. Our gods might not have invented the first airplane (as seen patently in the udankhatola) or nuclear missiles (sudarshan chakras). But we claim that he did invent the dildo and the middle finger. That, and the expression - Fuckin' A!'
9. Our Gods cannot be depicted in either idols, cartoons or portraits. However, carvings on turds are permitted.
10. Our first God appeared in the form of Bruce Lee. But he died before we could crucify him. We are waiting for the second coming that will happen three weeks after the Apocalypse. According to the epic, the God appears in the fom of a ram on heat and buggers all the other Gods doing the judgement right in the very courtroom. Then he bellows and tells the gathering - 'Go home you good-for-nothing c***suckers! Whaddya think this is - a f***ing exhibition?!?'

Any room for my religion?


Alam said...

The moral police of the land takes pleasure in awarding you the commission to run your religion.

Provided that - your religion can be claimed to be a sub-religion of the (true)"original" religion of the land, as defined by the various "freedom of religions" acts passed by various state governments from time to time

Also provided that your religion respects the glorious, proud, equitable, moral, ancient, progressive etc etc culture of the land ... as defined by Mr Jha**ka Baal Tug-on-ye-ass

Conditional to your religion's follower making themselves conveniently available for stereotyping, ridiculing and other assorted Progroms for community cohesion.

By Order
Moral Police

ps. what was the name of your religion ???

TradeExpress said...

hee hee..this guy is the wittiest commentor i ever saw

Bland Spice said...

he he

I better remove this post soon before the RSS comes barging at my place

TradeExpress said...

bal thakrey thinks RSS feeds are party langars

M Functor said...

Awesome. I didn't have such fun in a long time.

Bland Spice said...


I can't access your blog. Where are all the posts gone?