Monday, May 26, 2008

Finding Happiness in work

1. You can only be as good a worker as how well-slept you are. Give it that extra shot. Get up in the morning only when you're sure that if you keep lying one minute more, you'll scream.
2. Itchy asses, irritating armpit hair and inviting scabs have to be gotten out of the way before you can give your best concentration at your cubicle. Get them out of the way at the foray for half-an-hour greeting everybody who passes by loudly.
3. Treat your bosses like your parent. Blame him/her for everything and keep screaming at him about how he screwed up your life.
4. Conference calls, esp. with top management from the States involved, are kept fr the special purpose that you can tell everyone what dumb fucks they are and how you left an IPL match to listen to this shit. Please utilize this opportunity.
5. Having alcohol in office is generally prohibited. But cocktails with those little umbrellas are a different issue.
6. Never bitch about anyone behind their back. Do it in front of their face. Better make a presentation about it and share it with the rest of your colleagues on the townhall meetings.
7. MBA lingo is passe. Color them with expletives from the national language.
8. Sexual harassment does not include love bites.
9. Never make presentations. Always pass the buck around, arrive totally unprepared and then refuse to let the ppt proceed beyond the first slide. Keep asking them - 'Pehle yeh batao schooling kahaan tak ki ki hai?'
10. If cornered, copy all your excel files and paste them on a single slide And take all questions with an incredulous shake of the head and muttering - 'Is it the fucking Stupid Day, or what?'
11. Break off from meetings, by screaming blue murder and asking the senior guy seated next to you - 'What did you fucking eat!?!'
12. Don't hum. Sing. Dance if you're really in the mood.
13. It is ok to piss on the side of the cubicles if you really can't be bothered to take the long walk to the rest rooms.
14. Always assume. Never bother with facts.
15. When top honchos come visiting, it is a brilliant idea to keep interrupting their pep talk with anecdotes from - 'That reminds me of the time...' type. Builds terrific chemistry. In the question sessions, don't bother to raise your hands and don't bother if you have to cut someone else. Just keep asking him anything under the sun. Like - 'What makes you reallly horny?'
16. If the AC is too low for you, communicate visually. Remove your trousers and fan your crotch in front of the duct.
17. If the boss comes asking about the project, tell him you thought he was joking at that time. If he keeps insisting, tell him the dog ate the laptop.
18. Call everyone Pappu. You're too busy to be remembering names.
19. Press the door close button as soon as someone signals you to hold the lift. If they still manage to make it, keep them from getting in using your legs.
20. Get one of those flint matches. Strike them off your superiors' balding pates to light your cigars.

My wishes for a long protracted and blissful career, wherever you are.


DD said...

Ha ha… good stuff !!
No 7,8,14,16 &18 are real gems…
Perfect to break this post lunch monotony.

Nothing Spectacular said...

implementing #16 right now :-)

Saphira for now... said...

so this was your general writing that was going on...:)hein?